Thursday, February 28, 2013

February Goal Update: Spend More Time with Lainie

My goal for February was to spend more time with Lainie.
To go on Mom and Daughter Dates, to talk more, to give her more of my undivided attention.
We did spend more time together, doing things like shopping and watching movies and reading together and cooking and baking and playing with my camera, and we even started a little garden in the backyard together.
I don't know though if I would say I "accomplished" a goal.
Like spending more time with her is a quota I can hit, and then happily check it off my to-do list.
I don't think I'll ever feel like I spend enough time with Lainie. Like she gets enough special, one on one attention. Even on the days that we were together so much she actually asked me to leave her alone for a while, I still felt guilty knowing she was in her room alone, reading or listening to music, or doing whatever it is she does in there.
She's a lot like me in that way though.
I love people, I'm super social and I love spending time with my friends and when I was little I could've followed my dad around like a puppy all day. But there comes a point where enough is enough, and I need to disappear. I need to be in my room alone for hours, or sometimes a couple days, tinkering with things, playing my music, reading my bookes, and doing my thing alone.
This is part of why I'm not sure I could ever get married. Maybe I could do it if I could have like my own room in the house where I can go and lock the door and be alone for as long as I wanted, but still come out and get attention when I needed it.
I'm suddenly uncomfortably self aware of all my issues...
Lainie and I had some good times together, and hopefully we can keep carving out a little one on one time every week to do something together.
She's such a sweet and special little girl, and she's growing up {and growing away} before my very eyes. Maybe it's all just grasping at straws, but I want this point in our lives to last as long as possible.

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