Make that money, Watch it Burn

It happened on a Friday afternoon.

The day had been good so far. I'd gotten a stuffed black bear from a girlfriend at work. I'd successfully tossed a Skittle into someone's mouth and had them catch it for the first time in my life. I had a nice lunch with Chris, and Hector, and Todd - my friends from the legal department at work.

And it was Friday - JEANS Friday, no less.

What isn't good about that?

Around 4 o'clock though, everything changed.

I won't go into all the gory details here and now, but suffice it to say that I am a full-time photographer as of Friday at 4:30 p.m. 

It was earlier than I'd planned, and I'm nervous, and scared, but really excited also.

If I'm being completely honest, not going to my old job this morning was quite literally one of the best feelings ever.

I feel free.

I feel better.

I feel the fist in my chest that has been lodged there from stress and anxiety and a constant feeling of failure for the past two years, loosen and release, and it's good.

I feel like I can be honest, for the first time in a long time. I can say what I want.

I think what I want to say is this:
For the past two years, I have worked at a financial company in Scottsdale called Walton.

I never wrote the company name here before, because if they ever found my blog and didn't like what they read I could've lost my job. Now that that isn't an issue....

I was a department coordinator in Business Development, and I quickly found out after being hired, that I worked for the most difficult person in the office.

I had unknowingly taken the one and only position at this company that didn't get even one single internal applicant when it became available. I had unknowingly taken a position that they had tried for nearly a year to fill, and were unsuccessful because no applicant wanted to work for my new boss.

I tried, for two years, to do my best and make it not only work, but thrive.

I tried, at first at least, to climb and succeed and do well there.

After a while though, I started just trying to survive. To make it from Monday to Friday, and keep my head down, do a good job.

I was good at my job, but I wasn't happy with it, however the steady paycheck and good benefits kept me from feeling like it was OK to say that I didn't want to do that forever.

That I wanted out.

That I was never going to be happy there.

I am not a person who was meant to wear a pantsuit.

I am not someone who thrives in meetings, or feels at home in a conference room.

Nothing against those who are. I tried to be one of you. I'm just not.

And there were, of course, other reasons why I was so unhappy.

There was the abuse, the condescension, the open and unmasked gender discrimination. There were the meetings with my boss that I walked out of crying, the nights I scrambled to find someone to pick my kids up for me so I could stay late and finish something he was supposed to do himself, only to be berated and left without thanks anyway.

That was the past two years.

Now that it's over, I can just barely stifle my excitement with the slightest tinge of fear or worry.

I know it's a chance, and I know it's a risk, but I also know that it's worth it.

I know that no paycheck is worth your dignity, your happiness, or your right to respect as a human being.

So, to make a long story....still pretty long....I am now and {hopefully} always will be a full time wedding and family photographer.

All of this is thanks in no small part, to the best friends who have pushed and encouraged and supported me from the very first photo shoot I did, without ceasing and without mercy.

It's also, obviously, in thanks to the brides and families who have allowed me to be present for some of the most important memories of their lives.

Each and every one of them has changed me, pushed me, enlightened and blessed me. Every time I'm booked for a job, it feels like the very first time.

Every time I leave a photo shoot or a wedding, my heart is full.

Thank all of you.

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Also, shameless plug, if you are getting married and in need of a photographer, don't let geography stop us from working together! Now that I'm doing this fulltime, traveling for weddings is significantly easier and more doable. Contact me and let's chat.

The Little Things: An Attitude Adjustment

I've had kind of a shitty attitude lately.

I think it's time I adjusted that.

The trip to Italy was disappointing, but the pictures were beautiful, lessons were learned and Bill and I are still here. 

So there.

Work is stressful and my boss is borderline psychotic {at best} but I have a job, a good one, for a good company, and I make good money.

My kids are fed, our rent is paid and we have clothes to wear and when you get right down to it, an abundance of blessings compared to some.

It's not the big things, it's the little things.

It's the sound of Jack breathing, deep asleep beside me when I wake up in the morning.

It's a perfectly made cup of coffee as soon as I get to work. 

It's watching a thunderstorm build from the windows of my office.

It's knowing that on Saturday I get to fall into the arms of the man I love, and I will be welcome there.

It's hugging Lainie hello at the end of a hard day.

It's listening to the kids play together and actually get along.

It's summer approaching and all the things I have planned for the kids.

It's jeans day on Friday.

It's a good nights sleep, and a super hot shower in the morning.

It's my favorite song on the radio.

It's feeling like a celebrity because my little blog has 11 followers.

It's finding the perfect birthday gifts for Bill AND Jack in the same week.

It's love, and deciding to feel it.

It's life, and deciding to live it.

It's the little things.

The Friday Diary: Arrivederci

Happy Friday everybody!

As you probably already know due to my excessive posting about the matter, this will be my last "live post" before I leave for Italy.

Everything you read for the next 9 days will have been scheduled out, to give you something to read while I'm away. 

It's like when your parents go out of town and leave you money for pizza to make for not being there to cook for you.

 

...

To be honest, this week was kind of exhausting. 

I'm glad it's over.

I usually try to make the Friday Diaries happy and uplifting, because it's FUCKING FRIDAY and that spells Awesome in any country.

But this week I am so so tired.

Family shit, work shit, house work, money money money and time. Never enough time.

Plus I attempted formal dress shopping on Sunday, and that's always a major hit to the ego when you're trying {and failing} to lose weight.

So while this Friday may not be the happiest and most bubbly of diary entries, it is one of quiet somber gratitude for the week being over, and my vacation being right around the corner.

Thank you for the good days, and thank you for the bad ones that make me stronger.

And thank you thank you thank you for Italy on Sunday.

...

Overheard this week:

Me: How do you know you'll love me forever?

Bill: I just know. That's like asking how you know you'll love bears forever.

Me: No, that's easy. They're bears. Bears can do no wrong. And they could never hurt me.

Bill: Did you really just say that BEARS could never hurt you?

Me: Well, emotionally. Besides, even if I got physically close enough to a bear for it to hurt me, it wouldn't. We're friends.

Bill: I literally can't believe the words that are coming out of your mouth.

...

Something to be happy about:

My super crazy cakes boss left town on Tuesday, and won't return until next Thursday, whilst I will be in Italy until Wednesday after next. Meaning we don't see each other for 15 days.

It's an April miracle, everybody.

{like a Christmas miracle, only without any presents afterward}

...

A First:

Lainie is going to Summer camp this Summer.

That's a first for her, and kind of a super huge deal for me that I can do that for her.

I've been a single mom for as long as I've been a mom, and affording things like food and electricity was always such a big deal that things like Summer camp and extracurricular activities were pretty much {sadly} out of the question. But I can totally do this for her this Summer, and I don't know who's more excited: Lainie to go, or me to see her face when she comes back.

...

Photos From The Week:

Hey, look who actually got ready for work....for once.

...

Playing in Mommy's bed

...

Saturday afternoon: Family fun day for my work at Crackerjax. It was unexpectedly freezing cold, and only one person from my work that I ever talk to showed up, but the kids had fun and I was completely worn out.

...

The Haps on Pinterest:

One of the things I want to make for my house is cool looking mason jars with old vintage spools of thread in them.

I know, it sounds retarded. 

It will look awesome, I promise.

...

A Crash Course in Office Politics

• Be nice to everyone
• Trust no one
• Gossip with no one
• Give no firm or official opinions regarding any and all gossip that is told to you
• Remain neutral and ambiguous until you know everything
• Neither agree nor decline when asked to take on a new task until you know how long it will take and why it's really being given to you
• Never underestimate the power of the words "I'll look into it"
• Save all your emails. They're the only proof you have sometimes. 
• Take sides in no war
• Be friendly to everyone
• Be friends with no one until you've worked there at least 6 months
• Don't repeat what's said behind closed doors
• Remember what your mom said: Don't take candy from strangers- or in this case, overly friendly co-workers who are too determined to get in your good graces
• You will eventually have two different people wanting you to support them in their opposite agendas. There's no easy solution to this.
• Be nice to the intern.
• Be helpful to the people in positions lower than yours.
• It's one thing to help someone, it's another to do their job for them
• Meetings are an ungodly waste of time. You'll have a lot of them. They make executives feel important and are an excellent opportunity to dump unwanted tasks on those in lower positions-like yours. 

Skate a clean program, and make more coffee if you take the last of it. 

The end.