New Years in Pictures

This is not a real post. It's just a bunch of pictures from New Years Eve, because I went back to work yesterday after too much time off and too much food, and I'm too tired to give you anything more creative than this. After this, I promise I'll stop talking about the new year, and just get down to living it. Until then though....

Ringing in this year was quiet. Bill and I hung out, had dinner at Z Tejas, and went to Scottsdale for all of five minutes before deciding it was lame and going home. We watched Kathy Griffith get weird with Anderson Cooper on CNN, and we broke our chapagne bottle from last year, in which we'd both put pieces of paper with predictions we'd made about 2012. I didn't see Bill's predictions and he didn't see mine until New Years Eve this year, when we smashed the bottle open with a hammer. It was in fact the world's most indestructible bottle, but it eventually gave. Bill was very proud of his man strength.

Most of my predictions came true, and some of Bills did, but it was still fun to look back and remember what we were thinking and feeling exactly one year ago that day. 

We opened a new bottle, wrote new predictions, and stashed them away to be read next New Years eve, when hopefully the bottle breaks easier, and it's been a better year. 

2013 Goals

So. It's another new year, and I don't know about you but I can't help but feel like...it's just another year.

I don't like this. 

Time seems to pass faster and faster in my life as I get older, and I hate-no, dread the idea of years zipping by in indistinguishable blurs, each one exactly like the last, until I wake up one day, old and bitchy and have no idea why I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do. Wondering where the time went, and what to do now.

For that reason, I am borrowing {with permission} Kate's {from MotleyMama} awesome idea for setting one goal a month for 2013. 

One thing, big or small, that I want to make happen in my life, that would make this year feel a little more...lived.

I'll keep you all posted on how my goals went each month at the end. 

January:

I love my camera, but I don't use it as much as I wish I did, and I still haven't completely mastered it. This month, I will use it every day.

...

February:

Lainie is such a sweet little girl, and she's growing up so fast. The fact that Jackson is littler, and still needs so much help from me with so many things I think automatically means I spend a little more time with him. But it shouldn't necessarily, and Lainie definitely deserves more one on one time together. So in February, we shall have mom and daughter dates, and they shall be grand.

...

March:

Photo source

I love my house. It's the first house I've had as an adult that I've truly loved. I am a little ashamed to admit I still, after almost a year here, have yet to truly make it my own. Decorate, make it homey, etc. I have about a million ideas and things I want to do with it on my Pinterest Boards, but I still haven't done any of them. 

This year, I'm making it happen. 

...

April:

Photo source

I will be the first to admit, I can sometimes spend too much money. People's birthdays, holidays, Target...all blackholes of money for me. In April, no spending money on shit we don't need. This obviously doesn't include bills, groceries, doctor's visits or emergency shit, but no eating out, Starbucks {omg} or whatever else. This might be the hardest goal.

...

May:

Photo Source

More on this to come in May...

...

June:

Photo Source

I will write, every day. Whether I like it, or fucking want to kill myself. 

Just kidding,

Mostly.

...

July:

photo source

More specifically, take my kids to the beach. Family vacation, baby. Oh yeah. On this trip I want to go sailing, try to surf, and maybe even learn to scuba dive if it's possible.

Dream big, folks.

...

August:

photo source

In August, I am going to quit fucking around and start my book. Really start it. Not jot down a couple bullshit lines here and there, only to delete them and never open the Word doc ever again. I'm gonna really write some shit.

My goal is a chapter a week. 

We'll see.

...

September:

Photo source

In September I will stay off Facebook and out of email, and I will take the time to send a letter or care package or some kind of surprise, real life correspondence to each person I care about.

...

October:

 photo source

In 2012, some of my personal drama and outright laziness got in the way of me really being there for my friends. I forgot birthdays, ignored phone calls, left text messages unanswered. It was shitty of me. But, in August when shit hit the fan in my relationship, all of my friends were there for me. Even friends I hadn't spoken to in months, or well over a year. 

This year, I'm paying them all back. I'm going to be a great best friend.

...

November:

photo source

The kids want a pet. I, in particular, do not. BUT the kids will only be kids once, and they will only be kids for a little while, and I want them to have the memory of a dog or cat they really loved when they were growing up. So, in November, for Lainie's birthday, I am going to suck it up and get them a pet.

...

December:

This one might be hard, because it's only a year left to save up for, and I'd be paying for it right around Christmas, but I'm still going to try.

Ok, so there you have it. Not all huge goals, not all of them life changing, but all of them something I'd like to try for, and things I think will stand out when I look back on my life. Our first pet, a family vacation, not buying coffee for a month.

With two kids, I will DEFINITELY remember the month I didn't buy coffee. 

Wish me luck, and happy new year!

Let's live the hell out of this one.

The Friday Diary pt. 3

What's up friends and stalkers. 

We all made it through the first week of the new year.

I won't ask how any of you are doing on your resolutions, because I am not ready to be held accountable for mine.

Instead, let's all have an Old Fashioned, and read about what I did this week.

...

I have been chilling at this place:

Called Hillside Spot in Ahwatukee. I like Ahwatukee mainly because of the awesome-sauce name, but now especially because of this place. If you live within an hours drive of here, you must go. Amazing food, homemade tortillas and chips, fresh ingredients and a cozy, tucked  away atmosphere complete with a patio fireplace. Amazing.

...

Since New Years I've been eating this stuff:

Italian pasta salad

and

Stuffed mushrooms of awesomeness

Stuffed Mushroom Recipe

1 package onion chive cream cheese

1 package whole white mushrooms

1 small jar marinated artichoke hearts

Shredded mozzarella cheese

Parmesan cheese

Minced garlic

Onion powder

Salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 350. Gently pull the stems out of the mushrooms without breaking the caps, dice the stems and the artichoke hearts and saute them in butter or olive oil with a teaspoon of minced garlic. Leave the cream cheese out while you saute the shroom stems so it softens up. Once the diced mushroom stems are soft and dark, combine them with the softened cream cheese in a mixing bowl with onion powder and salt and pepper to taste. Mix well until the cream cheese is nice and soft. Add 1/4 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese and a couple good shakes of Parmesan cheese and mix thoroughly. Using a small spoon, fill the caps generously. Top each cap with a pinch of mozzarella cheese. Arrange filled caps on a baking sheet that's been sprayed with a little Pam, and bake for 25-30 minutes until cheese is melty and golden, and a little liquid forms under each cap. Mushrooms should be very hot and soft.

Enjoy!

...

I've been listening to this:

I'm pretty sure this song was written about me.
Check it.

...

On Wednesday, I got surprised at work with these:

AND I even got to have lunch with Bill that day too, BEFORE I got the flowers. After coming back from lunch I thought my day couldn't get any better, until the girls from reception called and said there was a package waiting for me. 

Best. Package. Ever.

...

I've been reading these:

Cold Mountain, Everything is Illuminated and The Bell Jar

My winter break was amazing for my reading time.

...

And for those of you wondering how my very first holiday spent with Bill and his kids was, it was wonderful. It was loud and crazy and hectic and silly, and there were 6 people between the ages of 3 and 40, and it was weird at first adjusting to being with Bill on a Saturday night but not being able to kiss him constantly or lay in bed watching movies because there were four kids that all wanted our attention.

But we spent what time together we could, and the kids had a blast, and everyone beat the crap out of each other in a massive pillow fight, and at the end of the night Bill and I wrote our predictions for 2012 down on separate pieces of paper and folded them up without letting the other person read ours, then put them in an empty champagne bottle which we'll break, and trade and read next New Years Eve.

And yes, I got my kiss at midnight.

Happy New Year: Resolutions

And now, for a look forward at 2012.

I want to read more. 

I used to read all the time, a book a week at least, usually several books at once. I started reading some in 2011, but this year I want to soak up the printed word like I used to.

{Reading List}

I want to travel.

I want to cross some places off my travel list.

I want to take my kids to see snow, and to the beach.

I want to swim in the ocean again.

I want to find adventures with the people I love.

{Travel List}

I want to read to my kids more, and watch TV/be on the computer less.

I want to keep teaching Lainie to cook. 

She loves it, and I love being able to teach her something useful, something that I'm good at.

I want to do something I've never done.

Like snowboarding or snorkeling or eating weird foods.

I want to laugh more than I cry.

I want to learn how to better pick my battles.

I want to write something every day. Even if it's one line, or one paragraph or one word. Something. Every day.

I want to take more pictures, especially of the kids.

I want to kiss and love and just enjoy my precious time with Bill more freely.

Relax. Stop sweating the small stuff and just be happy.

I want to find adventure, live my life, and enjoy every possible second of whatever precious time I have on this Earth.

I want to be more honest, more accountable and more selfless.

I want to learn how to make Cajun food.

I want stop smoking.

I want to paint my apartment.

I want to make the most and the best of it, whatever it ends up being. I want to find something to laugh about in every situation.

I want to take better care of the people I love.

I want to be happy.

What do you want this year?

The Friday Diary pt. 2

Welcome to the LAST Friday in 2011!!!

I for one could not be more ready for the new year.

Plus, I get to spend New Years with my love and his two kids, plus my two kids, and I'm pretty much stoked about it.

Four kids, two adults, way too much food, some games, maybe a movie, and a midnight kiss from Jackson, Lainie, and Bill if I'm lucky.

That's what's up.

So, pour some champagne, say goodbye to 2011, and see what we've been up to 'round here.

I've been listening to this:

I love Billie Holiday, and something about her voice just makes me all kinds of happy-emotional. I want to slow dance to this song, I want to cuddle by a fire to this song, I want to listen to it at Christmastime, and I if I evah evah evah walk down the isle, I want it to be to this song.
Just beautiful.

I've been eating these:

We also made a raspberry cheescake for Santa, but he umm....ate it all before  a picture could be taken of it. 

For Christmas, I got this:

It's a beautiful wooden memory box, with a heavy metal heart shaped lock on it, to which go two skeleton keys, which are probably one of my favorite things in the world. 

Bill put this all together from different pieces he knew I'd like, because I'm always saving little things from our relationship like ticket stubs, hotel keys, pictures, etc., in shoe boxes.

But now I have this gorgeous box, and an amazing man who was kind enough to give it to me.

We've been cooking with my other Christmas present, from my dad:

I have jumped on the cast iron bandwagon, y'all and it is amazing.

I seriously love this thing, and have literally been coming up with reasons to use it.

"Hey kids, who wants MORE BACON?!"

Everyone wants more bacon. Everyone.

And, since I've had this ENTIRE week off from work, I've been doing A LOT of this:

That book was another gift from Bill this year, one of my favorite books ever. And that handsome bear you see there is Orso. My main squeezy when Bill isn't available. Oh and that ice cream? 

Uh-Mazing!!!!

Last but not least, I leave you with a little something to watch:

Don't drink anything while you watch that. 

Shit's funny.

Happy New Year everyone.

Oh, and Dear 2011: Please go fuck yourself now.

You were kind of a dick.

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2011: A Look Back

2011 was a year of change. 

A year of surprises, disappointments, battles, wars, wins and losses.

In January I rang in the new year with my then-roommate, Dave. And we drank cheap strawberry wine and stood outside in the freezing midnight air to watch fireworks my neighbors were setting off. Sometimes it pays to live in the ghetto.

In February, I celebrated Valentines Day alone, and and wondered if Bill and I would ever find a resolution to our in-between love affair.

In March I attended the births of 3 baby girls, and the 14th marked the second year I'd known Bill.

I also got this tattoo:

In April, I started my apprenticeship as a student midwife, hoping to be a licensed midwife within 3 years. At the end of the month, Bill and I decided to stop being "complicated" and just be friends, because our in-between romance was killing me. It was a sad day. At the time I honestly thought it was the end of us as anything other than friends.

In May, Jackson turned 3 which seemed like a big turning point at the time. Not for him, but for me. It seemed like confirmation that I was done having babies. Why, I have no idea, but as much as I know I really don't want to be pregnant or give birth to any more children, it was kind of a sad, final feeling. A goodbye to my days as a mommy of babies. I had kids now, and I would never have babies again.

Also, Bill and I started dating.

In June, Bill and I went to Vegas, Dave and I took the kids to Illinois, Michigan and inadvertently Missouri for 11 days, and I realized I would need to get a real job by October because my doula business was slowly dying.

In July, Bill and I broke up-again. 

Dave decided to move out.

And my apprenticeship started to fall apart.

It wasn't the best month ever.

In August, I turned 24. 

I got engaged to someone who wasn't Bill.

I reconnected with my friend Sam from high school.

I went to San Diego with Megan.

My great grandma Vettern died at the age of 96.

And then at the end of the month, Bill told me he loved me, and we got back together. For reals this time.

In September Bill and I went on a short trip to Sedona where we were followed by skunks and watched a drunk brides maid walk face first into a glass window. Don't worry,it didn't break.

In October, I finally found a job, even though it sucked and barely paid our bills.

My relationship with Bill was tested in ways I never thought possible.

For the first time ever I didn't give a shit about Halloween.

November was a better month.

Lainie turned 8

Bill and I went to Sedona again, and had the most magical trip ever.

And for the first time in many many years, my dad hosted Thanksgiving at his house, and no one even died.

And finally December. 

Oh December.

December has been a bit of a roller coaster.

Between Bill's crazy busy holiday kid/work schedule, and my newly jam packed work days, I feel like we haven't seen each other as much, and it's hard for it not to get to me sometimes. Because I'm emotional, and sometimes terribly insecure.

Christmas this year was about a million times more stressful than it has been any other year, and I have no idea why. It just sucked. Not one bit of getting ready for Christmas was fun for me, and usually it's my favorite holiday.

The good part about this month was that I got the new job I was applying for, and it means a big change in the financial picture and the stability of me and the kids.

After this month though, I am more than ready for the new year.

I am ready to say goodbye to this year, and hello to a new one.

I am ready to let go of the bad memories, the tears and the pain, and try to hold on forever to the few sweet moments and lovely memories I will walk away from 2011 with.

"The best way to say goodbye to an era, is to look back and remember what you won't forget"

-Unknown.

Happy New Year.

Goodbye 2011.