Things I Need to Remember

Things I need to remember right now:

1. I am going to be ok.

2. WE are going to be ok.

3. I can do this.

4. I've done this, one way or another, for almost 9 years. I can do it for 9 more. And another 9 after that. Whatever it takes.

5. No matter what happens, we'll survive.

6. My kids will be ok without gymnastics lessons or soccer teams if they need to go without those things for right now. I can make up for them with love...and ice cream bribes.

7. I am only one person, doing the job of two. Even if I fuck up, I should be proud of myself for what I still achieve every day.

8. We've come a long way in the last year. We can still go further.

9. Don't give up. Don't believe that there isn't hope, or chance, or fortune or luck, or sheer magic. There is. But it only works if you believe in it.

10. I am going to be ok. We will all be ok. Maybe not right now, but in the end. If things aren't ok, then it's obviously not the end.

Please refer me back to this when I feel like I'm barely treading water.

Big Decisions and Irrational Fears

I have a big decision to make.

Really, it's probably an obvious choice.

You might read this and go "Well, obviously you should do XYZ, I mean DUH" 

and you might even be right.

But to me this is hard.

I need a new car.

I mean, not immediately. The one I have right now will probably run another few months. I mean hell it might even last another several months, or GASP! A year!

But it might not.

The tranny is slipping, and if being raised by a mechanic taught me anything, it's that you don't fuck with the transmission. When that starts to go, you're in for a lot of money in repairs, and probably a lot of smaller subsequent problems.

So I'm going to have my brother look at it, but I have a sinking feeling that it's going to need a re-build, or a new tranny, neither of which I can afford out of pocket right now.

And it has 130k miles on it {officially as of this evening actually} so is it worth putting a new tranny into, when it might not go another 30k miles? 

And if it does, by the time it gets that used up, would it be worth anything?

Isn't it better to trade in or sell a vehicle while it still has some semblance of value?

So if I end up needing a new car right now, I'm looking at most likely having to get a loan.

Sigh.

I've never had a car loan before. I've actually never had any kind of loan before. I had a credit card once when I was 18, and that went....exactly how you would expect a credit line belonging to an 18 year old to go. Loans kind of scare me. I mean you have interest rates and monthly payments and if you lose your job you lose your car and if you don't have a car it's really hard to find another job, let alone get to that job once you find it, and if you have a reposession on your credit you can pretty much kiss your chances of ever getting another car loan goodbye, and then the next thing you know you gain 40 pounds, start riding the bus and talking to yourself in public.

All because of that loan.

Maybe I'm exaggerating.

BUT MAYBE I'M NOT.

I don't know. The whole thing just freaks me out. 

And aside from that, I lock socking money away. 

No-I like hoarding money.

No joke.

I've been in positions where we lost everything and had nothing and I was backed into some pretty shitty corners because of lack of money.

So I like to try to save every single penny I possibly can from my checks.

Not saying it always works, but I like to try.

Having a car payment means that's 2 or 300 dollars less that I can squirrel away in case of another rainy day/month/year.

My other option is forgoing the loan and saving up cash to buy another car outright on good old Craigslist. But that will take time if I plan to get anything decent, and that means waiting and hoping my car will hold out even longer, and it's already low value and high miles diminishing and rising respectively until it's got a million miles, isn't worth anything, and becomes a very big and very expensive fort for the kids in the backyard.

Which they would love, but that's besides the point.

I'm sure this all sounds crazy.

It really shouldn't be this big of a deal to get a car loan I'm sure.

But I'm the girl who's always waiting for the ground to fall out beneath her, remember?

I'm the one who expects the worst, prepares for the worst, and then wishes and prays for the best.

As of right now I guess I'll start with having the tranny looked at and then go from there.

You never know, maybe the mechanic will say it's not slipping, it's dancing with joy and will most certainly last another 30 million miles.

A girl can dream.

Recipe: Individual Pot Pies

I have a confession. It's something you've probably already guessed or figured out about me on your own. I am a comfort food junkie. I love it. All kinds of it. If I could have a super power, it'd be really hard not to choose "Eating Everything Without Getting Fat or Unhealthy".

I like to think that's every girls dream. 

I digress.

Among the many comfort foods that I love, pot pies have always been one of my favorites.

I like them so much that when I first moved out on my own I even bought the shitty, death in a box 79 cent ones from Walmart because I was broke, but still couldn't live without their warm flaky goodness.

When I saw this recipe on Pinterest, I thought to myself "Self, you can totally make those"

And I did.

Except I didn't have Bisquick so I subbed in two sheets of seamless Pillsbury crescent roll dough instead, and cut out circles the size of the holes in my muffin pan, one for the top and one for the bottom of each pie.

I boiled 1 lb of boneless, skinless chicken tenders and shredded them, then mixed 1/2 of the chicken with 1 can cream of chicken soup, and 2 cups frozen mixed veggies.

I seasoned that mix with garlic powder, salt, pepper and cajun seasoning {i put that shit on everything}

I sprayed my muffin pan with a ton of Pam so the pies wouldn't stick, and placed a dough circle in each muffin hole.

I spooned the chicken mixture in, careful not to overfill the holes, sprinkled with cheese, and covered with the top dough circle.

Then I kind of tucked the top piece of dough down around the sides of the filling so it'd get as close to the bottom piece as possible hoping that the two pieces would rise to meet each other and hold the filling in, which they pretty much did.

Then I baked them at 350 for 10 minutes.

After 10 minutes, I pulled them out, brushed the tops with melted butter and sprinkled with Oregano and a little more garlic powder, and popped them back in the oven for another 10 minutes.

Perfection!

My kids went nuts over them. Lainie-who normally eats like a little bird, ate 3 of them, and wolfed them down at that, and Jackson, who has a big appetite but always fights me at dinner time over eating all his food these days, ate 2 of them with no complaint or struggle!

I call that a hearty success.

The Friday Diary: I Have Today Off, Suckers!

Happy Friday everybody!

Isn't Friday awesome?

Don't answer that, because I already know the answer, and the answer is fuck yes.

Fridays are especially awesome when you don't have to work. 

Which I don't. 

Suck it, corporate world.

Today, whilst I am laying in bed reading a stack of books {a chapter or two of each, rotating frequently of course} and eating Chinese food, I will leave you with a nice little recap of the nothing I did this week. 

Enjoy.

 

{It's not Friday until you get down to a little Enrique, ya heard?!}

...

Overheard:
Jackson: Lainie how does honey happen?
Lainie: Bees make honey
Jackson: No, bees make me cry when they sting me
Lainie: Yeah, but they also make honey.
Jackson: I don't believe you
Lainie: They do! They fly around getting flower juice from all the flowers, and that's called nectar. Then they mix it with pollen, which is like their fur, and that makes honey. Then they deliver it to the people and people sell it in stores.
Jackson: I don't believe you still.
Lainie: Then why don't you go ask mom?
Jackson: Because it's none of her business.

Sassy pants.

...

Watched:

Savages.
I was disappointed.
It's the movie a horny 19 year old stoner who loves UFC fights and carrying a hand gun down the waistband of his Hollister pants would write.
Oliver Stone. What happened to you??

...

Worn:

I don't normally do this. Post about the shit I wear. Mainly because I'm terrible at dressing myself.
But I went as a Hipster to work the other day and at the time it seemed noteworthy.
Not as much now.
I don't get fashion.

...

Pinterested:


Word.

...

Reading:


In typical "a million years behind every trend" fashion, I am finally reading this book.
It better be amazing.
I need some amazing, you feel me?

...

Loved:

I got flowers at work on Thursday!
And chocolate.
But I ate the chocolate before I could photograph it.
There's just no time to fuck around with cameras when chocolate is involved, people!
Anyway, Bill loves me. And I'm the luckiest girl in the history of ever.

...

And now for some phone pictures, because I've ran out of real things to tell you about:

1. Taking yet another picture of my son sleeping. Jack will surely be creeped out by all the pictures of him sleeping when he's older.

2. Our kitchen, finally kid-artworked-out. We always have a wall or a pantry door or a somewhere in our house that is dedicated to showing the kids' artwork. Lainie pointed out that we hadn't made one yet in our new house, so we rectified that lickety split. Looking at it makes me happy.

3. A nice round of Candy Land with the kids. I forgot how easy this game is. There's almost no thinking involved at all. Which is nice when it's Thursday night and you're tired. #lazyparenting. 4. Daycare is hard. 

Happy Friday everybody!

Cleaning Up Your Life {and by 'yours' I mean mine, but saying You instead of Me makes me feel less threatened. I'm a weak person}

I wanted to call this post "Getting My Shit Together" but thought better of it since I already cuss enough on this blog.

Sorry to all the decent people who may stumble upon this and want to wash my mouth out with soap.

P.S. : Already tried that. Shit didn't work.

Anyway, back to the point: cleaning up my life.

It's an ongoing project, at least for me. {but please say it is for you too so I dont feel like a total loser!}

Getting my finances back in order after the whirlwind that was "18", extricating myself from all negative and poisonous people, trying to find good people to be friends with {not perfect, just good} and trying to be a good person/friend for other people.

I would include being a better mom in this all, but really, no matter how much of a saint I someday may become {HA} motherhood will always be a work in progress for me. Kids are hard.

So on the topic of finances, saving money is something I'm kind of obsessed with. Or more curious about in a lurker way. Like people who save money each paycheck are this exclusive club that I'm eye balling from across the room, trying to decode all their mystical secrets. 

The idea of saving money makes so much sense to me.

It's safe, it's responsible, it means never being backed into a corner. It means never being without options, or a back up plan, or a way to flee the country...wait, what?

Nevermind.

The point to all of this is I like the idea, and in theory I have it down, but in practice I suck at it.

I put money away, and always end up needing to dip into it for some unexpected expense, or because I didn't budget correctly or because I overspent on something I didn't plan on, or whatever. OR I use my debit card for every freaking purchase and the next thing I know, I'm broke.

I don't seem to have any connection to my money if I can't see it.

My idea?

This:

I saw this on Pinterest the other day and was all "OK! Sounds neat!"

The idea is, you pay for things with cash as much as possible. You pull money out when you get paid for things like groceries, spending money, gas, or any other expenses you can't pay for online anyway.

You pay for stuff in cash, and whenever you meet a five dollar bill, you put it away. In a jar, in an envelope, wherever. If you're Bill, you throw it on the bathroom counter until your bathroom looks like you had a stripper party and made it in rain up in there.

The point is, you never spend a five dollar bill in your possession. You save 'em up, and over time they should add up rather quickly. 

If you're also putting 10% of your paychecks into savings too, like you should be, {#I'mahypocrite} then your savings will grow even faster. 

Sounds awesome right?!

A hawaiian vacation in a damn mason jar on your kitchen counter, right?!

And totally easy to pull of, RIGHT?!

We'll see.

I'm going to try, for the rest of the month, to pay exclusively in cash for things I can't pay for online {I am not driving to the cable office to pay my bill, so shut up}

and every 5 dollar bill that I come across, I am going to genuinely try to save.

I am not making any promises here, but seeing as how there are only 2 weeks left in this month, you'd think I'd be able to stick to a plan at least that long.

Wish me luck. 

In two weeks, I will post and let you know how I did and how much I saved.

And if I cried when I put a five dollar bill in a jar instead of a Starbucks barristas hand whilst saying "Vente iced no whip white mocha please"

I know. I'm ashamed of me too.

Besties

It's hard to tell by these pictures {which were all taken in attempt to get one good one of them both just looking at the damn camera and smiling} but these two used to be mortal enemies.

I mean it.

They fought from the moment they woke up until the second they fell asleep.

They kicked and hit and scratched and screamed.

They pushed and shoved and name called and tattled on each other.

They said things like "hate" and "stupid" and at one point Lainie even told Jack she wished she never had a brother.

In that moment I think she meant it, even if it was just for that sheer split second.

They truly could not be left alone for more than a minute.

They were separated from each other so many times during the day I felt like I needed two different houses.

And then, one day, it just....stopped.

They became inseparable. 

Best friends.

Soulmates.

Partners in crime.

I mean, yes, they still fight, all kids do. 

But they fight like best friends.

When I take the kids to daycare in the morning, Lainie holds Jack's hand while she walks him to class.

She comes in and kisses him goodnight at nap time.

They sing together in the van on the way home.

They play weird games that only little kids get, and they defend each other fiercely. 

It's adorable.

It's exactly the relationship I wanted with my siblings when I was little.

Right now, as I write this, I can hear them giggling in Lainie's bedroom, whispering and playing when they know they're supposed to be in bed.

I haven't busted them yet because I like hearing it.

It's such a sweet sound, their whispers and giggles and their unwavering confidence in their own ability to get away with things.

Please God, let them stay like this forever.

I Hope

Dear Lainie, 

You're growing up before my very eyes. Growing so fast, and in ways that amaze me and terrify me-something you won't understand until you're a mother yourself. Until you have a baby girl that you're watching sprout like a weed, a little girl that you're watching become more like you every day.

And you are.

More like me every day.

And still somehow your very own person, in every single way.

But when I see myself in you, in the way you crinkle your nose when you laugh, in the way your voice gets deeper when you're being sarcastic, in the way your eyebrows go up the entire time you're telling a story because you're so excited to get to the end, my heart stops in those moments.

I love you so much in those moments.

And I'm so scared in those moments.

Scared that you'll make my mistakes.

Scared that you'll feel the same pains.

That you'll also develop the same scars, as well as the same facial expressions.

Scared that you, like me, will grow up too fast and fall too hard and feel too much.

And at some point you'll be scared to feel anything at all.

And in those moments where my heart stops and time seems to suspend, and a whole world of possible heart aches for you opens up before my eyes, I don't know what I wish I could protect you from and what I don't. Because I don't know which of those hurts and mistakes and heartaches lead me to you, or all the other good things about me, about my life, about our family.

So I guess I just hope that you know a few things I didn't, and you do with those secrets what I couldn't. I hope you know that you're beautiful. Truly. That empathy and compassion is one of the most important qualities a man can have. That bad boys will most likely do what they do best: bad things. And that includes treating you, my sweet girl, badly. I hope you know that at some point you will have to leave a place. Any place. And you will feel unbelievably sad. Not just because you will miss the place, but because you know you will miss the person you were there, the person you are in that exact moment in time. Because sometimes leaving means never going back. I hope you know that if a dress shows your butt when you bend over, it's a shirt, not a dress. I hope you know that coral and melon colors will always look great on you. I hope you know that you're a survivor. You come from a a long line of them and you are one, so don't let anyone tell you that you couldn't make it without them. 

You will always be ok.

You will always be loved.

You will always have a home in me.

You will always, no matter what you do or where you go, be my daughter.

One day you'll realize you're becoming your mother. 

One day you'll see yourself in your own daughter.

I hope you learn from me, and learn from her, and never stop trying to see the best in the most painful situations.

Most of all,

I hope you don't grow up too fast.

Even though I know you will. 

Because we all do.

But I still try to slow it all down whenever I can.

I hope when you grow up you do the same.

I love you.