Organizing

Today I went through cleaning my house. Throwing out, donating, sorting, scrubbing, dusting and putting away the mess that has become our home. The accumulation of our life. Kids toys, clothes, books, papers, artwork, work badges, files, CD's, movies and God knows what else. And lots and lots of dust. I really need to dust more. Going through all of this crap, deciding what to keep and what to throw out and where to put it all, I started thinking about my childhood, growing up with my father. My Dad is the pack rat to end all packrats. He doesnt necessarily hoard, although I dont know the technical definition of a hoarder. He just saves. EVERYTHING. He still has report cards from when my sisters and brother and I were in Elementary School. He has papers we scribbled on, short stories we wrote, pictures of people he doesnt remember, broken things, dirty crappy things that he will never use, stuff he hasnt used in 20 years, clothes he doesnt/cant wear. He has TWO APARTMENTS full of shit. And most of it is exactly that: shit. He does have an extensive movie collection, and alot of good artwork, but still. He has so much stuff.
I have always been terrified of being like him. Whenever I move out of a place, I throw away so much stuff. I leave alot behind. Every time I clean, I throw something out. I wonder what sentimentallity is really worth. Do we hold onto these things because we love them? Even though we never look at them? Or do we hold on out of fear? Fear that we will never have good moments again. Never have a happy memory. Something that sweet and tender and wonderful will never come our way again, so we have to hold onto to every little scrap of evidence of every good day in our lives.

Do I throw things away because I dont want to remember? Or because the clutter drives me crazy?
What memories do I want to hold onto, and what memories am I running away from?
Is sentimentality just the working off on ourselves of feelings we haven't really got anymore?

Pictures, notes, letters, T-Shirts from old boyfriends, pictures my children drew. These are things I can never bring myself to throw out.

"How happy is the blameless vessel's lot.
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned." -Alexander Pope

Extending Love

Some people can be so selfish and hurtful. I wonder how they justify their terrible actions to themselves. Do they really think they are right? Do they really think that it is ok to treat people the way they do? Lately, God has been testing me. I have had several people who I considered myself close to at one time or another, throw some curve ball my way that shocked, annoyed and hurt me, not to mention made me incredibly angry. I am trying hard to let it roll off my back. Not worry about what is to come, and focus on the here and now, and just remember that Karma takes care of those that look out only for themselves. Maybe this is my Karma. Have I not been kind and open hearted enough? Have I been selfish and hasty and unkind? Its possible. I am learning now for not the first time how that feels, and I am taking the lesson to heart this time.
We need to be gentle with each other. Extend love and forgiveness and understanding rather than quick judgment and anger. Forgive one another for their human weakness and give grace to those who clearly need it.
If I wish to change the world, I have to start with changing myself. Looking out for those around me, and understanding that they too have struggles and fears and wounds and need love too. They need a little forgiveness and grace just like I do.
Maybe if I extend what I need from others to others, I will get what I need in return. Maybe I won't. But I will be something good. Even to those I don't feel deserve it.
But doesnt everybody deserve it? Dont we all deserve a break? For someone to just love us and forgive us? We all certainly need it.

Extend love rather than pass judgment. Give forgiveness rather than spite and revenge. Open your heart and love even when it hurts and makes you angry. Maybe you will get a little back. I am hoping I will anyway.

Only Human

You know what guys? I am only human! I am ONE PERSON, and everything in my big life depends on little old me. There is no one to shoulder this load with me, so please, please can someone somewhere sometime just CUT ME A F&%$ING BREAK?! I would appreciate it. I make mistakes, I have situations and circumstances that are out of my control, and sometimes there is only so much I can do. I would appreciate a little grace, a little understanding and some breathing room! Pretty please with love and sunshine and sugar plums on top.

This has been a day from hell. Im just banging my shins and bumping my head and tripping all over my life today. I could use a hug. And a drink!

Fighting Kids!

Oh. MY. G O D!!!!! I cannot TAKE the fighting anymore! It is constant. Jack and Lainie go at it all the time. Literally, they wake me up in the morning, complaining in unison about something the one of them did. "Mom he won't share!" "Mom, Lainie won't stop bossing me!" M O O O O M M M !!!!!!!! Shut up!! I don't want to hear it, you guys work it out or you're both going back to bed!!!! Ugh. I hate the fighting, it drives me crazy. I never imagined how much a 7 year old could fight with a 2 year old. I thought it was just him who would want everything she picked up to play with but NO! She does the exact same thing. Any time he has anything that he's playing with, she wants it too, and expects him to hand it over and thats called sharing. But if he even LOOKS at one of her toys, all hell breaks loose.

I better have some coffee and enjoy the current silence as they play queitly in seperate rooms, because it won't last long. And then the fighting will resume, and once again I will be praying to the nap time Gods for 12:30 to come as soon as possible.

How do parents of several kids do it?! Do their kids not fight? That doesn't seem possible. Do they start drinking earlier in the day than I do?....well maybe.

Happy New Year

I dont write here enough. I hate that. I want to write more, but I dont think anyone even reads this blog, so I dont always feel motivated enough. But here goes.

So its that time again! New Years day. Its uncommonly cold here in AZ. A pure crystaline day with bright blue skies and soft puffs of white clouds. A nice 40 degrees out. I did my first consultation of the new year! A lovely couple who is funny, kind and interesting. I am keeping my fingers crossed tightly.
I made New Years resolutions. I dont know if I will keep them, but I hope I do. As I grow up more and more every day, I become more and more determined to improve my life. To have a better life than the lives of the people I come from. Better than the examples set for me. Joy, happiness, comfort and stability. A happy life for my children. I am striving for this daily. Succeeding? Maybe.

Resolutions:

• Organize my crazy house. Find a place for everything, finally!
• Save money. Make a budget and stick to it so I can finally see whether my business is profitable or not! :)
• Enjoy my life for what it is. Find joy and peace and happiness amidst the craziness, the mess and the struggle. Find that silver lining, and let it shine on me and mine.

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year, and I hope you made some resolutions. I hope you still have that hope alive in yourself, that you CAN improve and change and grow and constantly move forward. It doesn't matter if you don't get it all right. Just keep that hope and faith alive :)

You can't start a fire without a spark
Even if we're just dancin in the dark

Little Lion Man

I am up late, because I was at a really long birth, and didnt come home until 6 this morning. I slept all day, until 5:30 p.m. and now I cannot sleep. I have a bad cough and I lost my voice from talking for 24 straight hours at the birth. :/

I am listening to what is probably my new favorite band. Mumford & Sons. I decided just now that I hope I marry and Irishman, who is actually from Ireland, has the accent and everything. Someone who holds a smoldering cigarette in the corner of his mouth while he plays guitar with silver rings on his fingers. Someone who understands me, drinks dark Irish beer and says things like Laddy, and calls me Love. I decided that just now. And if he could write songs too, thatd be a plus. :)

"It was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didnt I my dear?"

Week. From. Hell

So this week has pretty much been one kick in the emotional/financial/mental pants after another. Between being sick, grumpy, hormonal and broke, I have had to cancel classes with clients, bring my kids with me to a consultation, deal with a maybe stalker, an insatiable son who is full on into his "Testing Twos" and an almost seven year old who is determined to turn every hair in my head nice and gray.

As I sit here writing this, I am officially DONE not having a car, DONE with being a girl and having PMS, DONE with being over booked, over worked and underhelped, and DONE with this fucking week/month.

Last night was exceptionally bad, and when a good friend came over trying to help, I acted like a psycho, bitch crazy person and probably hurt his feelings, pissed him off and freaked him out. Right about now I just want to retreat into a little teeny tiny hole and hide from everyone because I cannot control my grumpy anger and I am ashamed of how I have taken it out on people.

So. FUCK YOU to the sucky people in my life who have completely let me down and been totally selfish lately. Im So Sorry to the people who have tried to help, and have gotten their heads bitten off or have had to deal with a psycho Italian in return.

I need a good cuddle, a good kiss, a good nights sleep and maybe a night out in the near future. As of right now, I just really need a fucking break. A little bit of understanding and breathing room. I am waiting for the person who knows me best in the world to come over and cheer me up. Some pasta salad, some video games and our favorite TV shows should help alot. And being able to let my guard down and show my weak, scared and insecure side. You gotta let it all out sometime. No one can be strong and perfect all the time.

Goodnight kids. Until next time, we're all just dancing in the dark